Stranger Than Paradise

Strange Times


Physical State: heavy
Mental State: blueish
Music: Piano Magic - Son De Mar
Fashion sense: green t-shirt, blue jeans

I looked again at some of these photos that I took of myself over the weekend (mostly to keep friendsters from guessing what I looked like finally) and I can't believe how strange I look in them (especially the one I've now used over to your left). Somewhere along the way I seem to have gotten a sadder more pissed off look in my photos than before. There's something that's revealed in these pictures that I haven't seen when I look in the mirror. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. I could write a book about what these pictures say about me especially over the past year. This has been a very difficult year (with the topper being the nonsense I mentioned a few days ago with these tests and the weird feelings that have not left me for almost a month). Christmas is coming and my Dad's not around anymore. I'm not prepared personally for this fact but also not prepared for the upset its going to cause others too that I'll have to witness, sometimes I wish it was all over already. It bugs me. As well work is piling up and it never seems to get finished just extended. This one job seems to be going on a constant loop to get completed and its been harder than ever to get paid again.

Most of my friends who I used to talk to a lot I don't see or talk to as much and I'm not sure why, they still like me and I still like them. Something ain't right though somehow. Like an intuition (and 9 times out of 10 my intuition is bang on) or something. I usually get this strange introspective feeling before the start of some drastic change (moving, changing my hair style, etc). Drastic change? I know you laugh if you know me because my hair hasn't changed that much and I only moved about 2 km from where I was before. But things are different somehow, I'm different and to coin the Talking Heads song "...how did I get here?". I guess the bigger question is lately. Where am I going? I haven't got a clue but maybe it doesn't matter.

You know this blog is almost a year old (I started writing one about this time last year but started it up again in January officially in 2003). When I look back at the past year of doing this thing I realize that some things haven't changed at all, in some ways I haven't changed at all but my circumstances have. Its a weird thing to describe but I feel that things will be different a year from now when I go to write up a note like this on the second year of this blog. I've had to force myself at times to write but other times it comes easily. This is one of those times I can't put feelings into words.

I always try to write journals and keep diaries and it all seems so pointless and at times depressing as I have no grand stories of travels or great loves to speak of, just memories, reminisces and thoughts about people who I consider and miss. If you read this blog then you know pretty well everything about me (that I'm obsessed by music and movies and many distractions). My blog is like Bill Callahan and his need to record Smog songs originally. He wanted to make sure he wasn't disappearing off the earth and that he still existed (makes for a good story but ya gotta wonder if its true). However I understand that feeling sometimes and so I write this. Sometimes I wonder if I've disappeared somehow...the photos don't show me the way I remember myself. Its like someone else in them, like some other me. Its like I changed and no one let me know about it or something. Weird.

But then maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep. Who knows. It is almost 11.30 anyway.


*** Appended***

I had this book that I did an experiment with in university for a design class called the Luscher Colour Test for Personality. I decided to see if there was a site out there that had it and I found one here. Maybe a parlour game but here's what my colour orders say and I'll be damned if it doesn't seem right on the money at the moment.

"Your most appealing color indicates your desires while your least appealing color indicates what you are trying to avoid. Together, Luscher theorized what he called "The Actual Problem" -- or the current emotional status. It reveals what we are hoping to achieve, or have achieved, and the things in our life that we are trying to avoid or get resolved to reach that goal."

Here are my results.

A - B Blue/Green
The tensions and stresses induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond his capabilities or reserves of strength have led to considerable anxiety, and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. He seeks to escape into a more peaceful and problem-free situation., in which he will no longer have to assert himself or contend with so much pressure.

C-F Red/Brown
Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for his personal accomplishments.

E-H Purple/Grey
Has a fear that he may be prevented from achieving the things he wants. This leads him to employ great personal charm in his dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for him to reach his objectives.

G-D Black/Yellow
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point to formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness and an unadmitted self-contempt. His refusal to admit this leads to his adopting a head-strong and defiant attitude.

Geeks 'n' Freaks


Physical State: sludgey
Mental State: foggy
Music: Isobel Campbell - Amorino
Fashion sense: white t-shirt, grey sweats

Babak forwarded on to me a link to the ultimate in 70s geekness, a website called PocketCalculatorShow.com. In it you'll find a great tribute to cool electronics from the 70s (referred to as the "golden age of electronics"). I had a few of these walkmans but no Casio watch (I still see people wearing them now and then but usually its some electroclashy girl trying to look ironic). Some of the ads are hilarious too. Check it out.

The song remains the same


Physical State: headachey
Mental State: neutral
Music: Neil Halstead - Sleeping On Roads
Book of late: Chuck Palahniuk - Diary
Fashion sense: blue t-shirt, grey sweats (get dressed man! It's 2pm!)

So this week I've been for a chest xray and a cardiovascular stress test. It seems for the past few weeks I've had these on and off pains in my chest that don't seem to go away. Not sure if it's something mental, if I'm just in poor health or if something is seriously wrong. I don't smoke anymore and I don't eat terrible food. Only time will tell. The pains aren't as bad as they had been two weeks ago. It could be stress (which is pathetic as I'm no air traffic controller or anything). Its a hard thing to consider that you might have cardiovascular problems at 34 to be honest. But as some of you who have been following this blog since its inception know that my Dad passed away from just such problems (well they started it all off but it was the complications following a serious surgery that finally got the better of him). More to come.

Ok so I decided to add back in the "things going on" intro to my posts again. Not sure why but it seemed like the right time.

I also decided to repost this quote as seen in Hal Hartley's "Surviving Desire". I have this on my fridge and it makes sense at different times when I reread it. Its been awhile so I thought I'd share it again. I really should read that book someday.

I believe that you are sincere and good at heart. If you do not attain happiness, always remember that you are on a good path, and try not to leave it. Above all, avoid lies, all lies, especially the lie to yourself. Keep watch on your own lie and examine it every hour, every minute. And avoid contempt, both of others and of yourself: what seems bad to you in yourself is purified by the very fact that you have noticed it in yourself. And avoid fear, though fear is simply the consequence of every lie. Never be frightened at your own faintheartedness in attaining love, and meanwhile do not even be very frightened by your own bad acts. I am sorry that I can not say anything more comforting, for active love is a harsh and fearful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go as far as the giving of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverence, and for some people, perhaps, a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment — I predict this to you — you will suddenly reach your goal...

Father Zosima,
in "The Brothers Karamazov"
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
(Book I, Part Two, Chapter 4)

Françoiz Breut where are you?

Friggin' Friendster...

Do you guys know about this thing? I signed up today and I'm like a kid high on sugar. Its so damn addictive. I should get out more. Lots of design work and trying to stay awake after listening to Stars of the Lid. Have to write my damn Broadcast review for Wavelength and some reviews for Totally Radio...Jeez where does the time go? Oh I know, checking people's profiles out on friendster of course. Loser!

The real Slumber Party




What sound does a sunset, an artic landscape
or taffy melting in the sun make?

A damned beautiful and transcendent cd.