Saturday, November 22, 2003
The song remains the same
Physical State: headachey
Mental State: neutral
Music: Neil Halstead - Sleeping On Roads
Book of late: Chuck Palahniuk - Diary
Fashion sense: blue t-shirt, grey sweats (get dressed man! It's 2pm!)
So this week I've been for a chest xray and a cardiovascular stress test. It seems for the past few weeks I've had these on and off pains in my chest that don't seem to go away. Not sure if it's something mental, if I'm just in poor health or if something is seriously wrong. I don't smoke anymore and I don't eat terrible food. Only time will tell. The pains aren't as bad as they had been two weeks ago. It could be stress (which is pathetic as I'm no air traffic controller or anything). Its a hard thing to consider that you might have cardiovascular problems at 34 to be honest. But as some of you who have been following this blog since its inception know that my Dad passed away from just such problems (well they started it all off but it was the complications following a serious surgery that finally got the better of him). More to come.
Ok so I decided to add back in the "things going on" intro to my posts again. Not sure why but it seemed like the right time.
I also decided to repost this quote as seen in Hal Hartley's "Surviving Desire". I have this on my fridge and it makes sense at different times when I reread it. Its been awhile so I thought I'd share it again. I really should read that book someday.
I believe that you are sincere and good at heart. If you do not attain happiness, always remember that you are on a good path, and try not to leave it. Above all, avoid lies, all lies, especially the lie to yourself. Keep watch on your own lie and examine it every hour, every minute. And avoid contempt, both of others and of yourself: what seems bad to you in yourself is purified by the very fact that you have noticed it in yourself. And avoid fear, though fear is simply the consequence of every lie. Never be frightened at your own faintheartedness in attaining love, and meanwhile do not even be very frightened by your own bad acts. I am sorry that I can not say anything more comforting, for active love is a harsh and fearful thing compared with love in dreams. Love in dreams thirsts for immediate action, quickly performed, and with everyone watching. Indeed, it will go as far as the giving of one's life, provided it does not take long but is soon over, as on stage, and everyone is looking on and praising. Whereas active love is labor and perseverence, and for some people, perhaps, a whole science. But I predict that even in that very moment when you see with horror that despite all your efforts, you not only have not come nearer your goal but seem to have gotten farther from it, at that very moment — I predict this to you — you will suddenly reach your goal...
Father Zosima,
in "The Brothers Karamazov"
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
(Book I, Part Two, Chapter 4)
